My Own Experience with Pregnancy and Fertility

I was 40 when I gave birth to my first daughter.

I had waited a long time for this pregnancy. For some reason I was afraid to get pregnant, but I did not know why. When I scanned myself, I came to the understanding that there was a belief in my system that if I got pregnant, my partner would die and I would remain alone with the child, just like my mother.

It was only after I did the work of clearing out old beliefs and downloading in myself new possibilities that I was able to have a full “yes” and become pregnant.

And then, on the 40th anniversary of my father’s death, when I was 40 years old and in my 7th month of pregnancy, I went to my father’s grave and took my path in my own hands. I was clearly carrying my mother’s story or, in the terms of Family Constellation, “standing on her representation”, and it was time to find my own path and leave this story with my mother

I was terrified to have a daughter and had to do a lot of work to clear out certain beliefs, including that the world is better for men, that it’s better to be a man, that femininity is weak, and so on….

Understanding that our paths are different than those of our parents or other family members is not a given. Sometimes, it can be our biggest blind spot. In a Family Constellation session, these things become more obvious and clear because they are represented.

When I was 42, I wanted to have another child and got pregnant very quickly. However, it appeared that I was not quite ready and I lost the pregnancy after 6 weeks. I was sure I would get pregnant again easily, but to my surprise it took me another 2 years to become pregnant again.

During this period, my fast and smooth Theta Healing (™) method didn’t seem to work. I felt myself enter into a deeper place, a darker place, a painful place, a place where working with the power of healing was not enough. I was left in the dark, infertile.

I truly felt all of the women I worked with in the past who had faced difficulties getting pregnant….

Wow! A woman must face so many things when she desires a baby and it doesn’t happen easily.

The monthly disappointment she feels  when she once AGAIN gets her period and it is clear that she is not pregnant.

The twist in her belly and the bitterness she feels when she sees a pregnant woman or a proud father carrying his baby in a baby carrier, or when people refer to her age and talk about “the ticking clock”.

I went into a dark place of grief as I allowed myself to let go of the idea of getting pregnant.

I became depressed and could only think about babies.

Imagining what would happen and how I would feel if I did not get to have a second child.

After all, I was already 44 years old….

I did not want to do IVF, but it was an option.

I was not feeling so healthy. I had been vegan for the past 4.5 years and it was not the best for me.

I began to experience cold shivers and felt very unbalanced.

My thyroid was weak and I did all the tests, but nothing showed anything dramatic.

I doubted my relationship and thought a lot of letting it go we were both feeling that and were honest and open about it, also my partner wanted another child with me

Still, I was weak and cold.

On one of my daily walks in the forest, desperate and lost, I started talking out loud to myself. I understood that there was a part of me blocking the wish for a second child, something inside of me that was putting down this option…

I said: “Who is it in me that is so cold and does not want to have a baby?”

And suddenly, I heard a voice saying: “ME!”

Shocked, I asked: “Who is ME?”

And the voice replied: “Anna, the aunt of your mother.”

My mother was named Viv-Ann, which means “Anna, live”.  Her father, my grandfather, gave her this name in memory of her aunt who was killed in Auschwitz. This was pretty much the only detail that I knew about this aunt, not much more.

I stopped and leaned against a tree.

“What do you mean by ME?” I asked

And she replied, strongly: “It’s me. I am cold and I don’t want to have a baby.”

“Ok”, I replied in astonishment. “What should I do with this information? Why have you come to me? Are you in me and preventing me from having a child? And why?”

The Anna that was inside of me spoke again. “I don’t want to prevent you from having a child. I came to you so that you could maybe explain to me why I had to end my life like this. My man, Marek, was taken from me. He escaped and I had to freeze to death, to be shot and never have his baby. Why”?

“I don’t know why,” I said back to her.

“You know a lot about soul journeys,” she said. “Tell me about mine”

Holding that tree, I started to talk to her, calming her down, asking her to hold herself inside of me, seeing her for the first time, understanding that there is a part in me that is cold and not fertile. The fact that she showed up and claimed this part gave me a big relief.

I went home and called my mother to ask her about her aunt. My mother emailed Bruno, the son of Anna’s escaped husband, Marek, whom she knew.

She asked him many questions and through their correspondence, I began to see the bigger picture.

It turned out that Marek had escaped to Brazil and married Helena, who was Polish.

Helena was always jealous of Marek’s first wife, Anna, and hid or threw away all photographs of her.

Marek did not speak much about Anna, but his two sons knew that he had left his real love somewhere in Poland in the war.

Bruno, Marek’s son, said to my mother: “You know exactly how it is. You also had your true love taken from you because of the war and you remarried another man.”

In Family Constellation, when there is a very significant relationship that ends due to an external cause, such as a war or accident, the first partner is always still there.

His or her absence affects the new couple.

I had to give back Anna’s missing place and represent her missing voice, her pain, her loss, her rage about her death, her questions about true love.

Anna stayed with me for days. I spoke to her and whispered to her how much she is loved, how she died with so much love inside of her, how unfair were the circumstances of her death, how unfortunate she is, how painful it is that her life fell apart.  How difficult it is that she was a victim of this Holocaust. In the Constellation I made for her, she could meet again with Marek. She could let him go and bless his new wife. Even though they had all died years before, they all lived in my cells and their unfinished business had influenced my world.

A few weeks after that walk in the forest, Anna came again. This time, she was lighter and positive and she wished me luck and told me I will get my baby soon.

The path was cleared.

My osteopath checked me for minerals and it was found that I was low on Selenium, a mineral that helps the function of the thyroid, and to have an unhappy thyroid is a no-go for pregnancy.

When a hair test for minerals showed the same results, I began drinking Selenium. I also took a homeopathic remedy, changed my nutrition, connected deeper to my body and continued with my prayers.

I decided that each time I see a pregnant woman, I would bless her in my heart and tell myself that soon it will happen to me, thank you for reminding me.

I made this waiting time more positive.

The time passed.

A few months later, I became pregnant.

I was 44 years old and 8 months.

And as I write this, my 10 month old baby is crying. ?